Recently by Ray Lewis

Man is an inventive species. Since the day he began to walk upright, he has overcome almost every challenge laid before him. From Caveman to Astronaut, his ability to solve problems has been spectacular.

Balfour hospital in Kirkwall, on the islands of Orkney - just above Scotland, doesn't make the news very often, but it made Sky News this week because Iain White works there.

I stopped smoking recently to avoid the attentions of Mr G. Reaper, and no longer breathe like Darth Vader when performing a simple task like lifting my knife and fork. This would normally be a good thing, but suppressing nicotine cravings requires a large intake of food and I now lift them twice as often.

In the good old days we used to enjoy Christmas. It began not long after we stepped from the plane with a straw donkey and a suitcase full of cheap fags, and really got into full swing just after we lit our last sparkler.

I was in my loft the other day and found a half drunk cup of tea. I hadn't been in there for almost three months. I have since found a glass half full of wine behind the rubber plant in the bathroom and on Sunday morning, the normally bustling bird table in my garden was silent and almost deserted.

I was made redundant a while ago and have since learned that whilst unemployment doesn't open many doors, it certainly opens your eyes. Last week I was standing in line waiting to sign on when 6 feet 6 inches of Tattoo walked through the door and muscled its way to the front of the queue.

The wise and sensible among us spend Sunday mornings in bed reading the papers and Sunday afternoons following the tyre tracks of Eddy Eats and She Who Must Be Fed. The foolhardy, which includes me, spend Sundays under cars, up ladders, or visiting D.I.Y. stores.

It would seem the quantity of bad press directed at white van man over the years has been justified, as he has now been officially sent to the naughty step. According to Government statistics, his emissions have trebled since 1970 and now account for around 15% of the phlegm in our lungs and the snot in our noses.

If you've chewed over a difficult problem to the point where your head hurts like paper cuts on a boil, eventually you'll say, "sod it" and go to the pub. Unfortunately, John Smith or Mr Carling can't be consulted if you have difficult problems at work.

Unemployment rose at its fastest rate for 17 years last month, and with the economic climate showing no signs of improvement, you'll need to keep one step ahead of your co-workers if you want to avoid redundancy.

I stopped smoking nine months ago and not surprisingly, suppressed my nicotine cravings by adopting the eating habits of Billy Bunter. Consequently, my belly is now in much demand from the template departments at Michelin, Dunlop and Pirelli.

The down side is I have to shower more often, because fat lads sweat a lot, and more especially in our house as my wife feels the cold. The central heating thermostat is never below blast furnace setting - even in the summer. It gets so hot I'm forced to drink an extra three pints of beer every night just to replace what I lose in perspiration.