Are you a Fag Hag, darling?
I had a Damascene moment last week, dear readers, (for those of you who haven't had a decent education - look it up) and realised why I have singularly failed in my quest to net a fabulous man.
My moment of revelation? When I was compiling my guest list for Sunday lunch. With the exception of two extremely cute straight boys, every single person I invited was male and gay. In my defence I would point out that all these lovely gentlemen are erudite, witty, attractive and tremendously good company. But let's face it, who cares about them? This column is all about ME and I've just realised the dreadful truth. Yes, dear readers, I am a Fag Hag.
How could I not have realised this? I admit it, I have, on occasion, started wearing false eyelashes and am definitely coming round to the idea that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with Cher, but why didn't anyone point it out to me?
I don't want the same fate to befall any of you, so, out of the kindness of my heart, I have compiled the Sunday Sun "Am I a Fag Hag, Darling?" quiz and I invite you all to take it forthwith. This test is rather geared towards women, but if you're a man, you can always pretend (and for some of you out there, it won't be too much of a stretch). So here we go.
1. How many gay male friends have you?
a) One or two
b) Four or five
c) How would I know if a guy is gay? I'm not a mind reader
2. Your significant other dumps you. What do you do?
a) Cry hysterically for a week, refuse to get out of bed and check your mobile for signal every 30 seconds
b) Indulge in a spot of retail therapy, then go out with your mates and get blind drunk
c) Invite your friends round to bitch about what a loser your ex is, drink copious amounts of champagne and finish the evening performing a selection of Broadway musicals
3 Speaking of musicals, what is your favourite Julie Andrews show?
a) Mary Poppins
b) The Sound of Music
c) Who the hell is Julie Andrews?
4 Have you ever had a boyfriend who later turned out to be gay?
a) Don't be ridiculous
b) Not that I'm aware of
c) So that's what happened to my shimmering cleavage enhancer after we broke up
5 Your local gay bar is:
a) Against God's law
b) Quite good fun, actually
c) About to name a cocktail after you
6 When you go out on a Saturday night, your aim is to get:
a) Drunk
b) Laid
c) Arrested
7 Answer yes or no.
Has a friend ever left you alone in a strange city in the middle of the night because he met someone cute and had to have sex immediately? (Award yourself an extra bonus point if he was dressed as a woman and had all your money in his purse.)
How did you do? Are you a Fag Hag? What do you mean you don't know how to score the quiz? Listen sister, the very fact that you took it should give you the answer.
Next blog post: back to dating. I'm all fagged out.
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Being of the Briget Jones generation, performing Broadway musicals (standing with feet apart bellowing) is second only to devil worship.
Devil worship? Surely not. Musicals are now the natural destination for all those willing to humiliate themselves in Strictly/Dancing on Ice/TwoLeftFeet etc are thus part of the zeitgeist. Although I haven't yet heard any whisper of John Sargeant accepting a part in Chicago, which is where they all end up, eventually.....
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I have ugly and short eyelashes. How do I extend them. I heard about the various products but do not know which are good. Can You prompt me something?
Hey!
Am writing an article on fag hags and wondered if you knew any with interesting/funny/sad stories? Be great if you do - there's a drink in it for you!
Many thanks
Guy
SUCH a good article!
Am writing an article on fag hags and wondered if you knew any with interesting/funny/sad stories in the UK? Be great if you do - there's a drink in it for you! :-)
Many thanks
Guy
thank you for this blog
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