Will five-a-day keep the Reaper away?

I knew I'd put on a few pounds, but didn't think I was seriously overweight until Oxfam refused to accept any more of my old trousers, even though most of the curry stains had washed out. And they gave my last donation of shirts to the sail making class at South Shields Marine College.

I took the hint, and after a quick Google was surprised to learn that the seriously overweight are just as likely to be visited by Grim as the 60 a day smokers, so before he can creep into my dining room swinging his prototype Flymo, I'm adopting a healthy diet.

But what is a healthy diet? Another quick Google and I learned the Government is still pushing the five-a-day fruit and vegetables healthy eating plan. A leading nutritionist Dr. Sarah Schenker said:

"achieving the five-a-day target is an important component of a healthy lifestyle and reducing risk of diseases such as heart disease and cancer."

In other words, it'll see off Grim, so I decided to give it a try.

On day one I ate my first and second of the five portions for breakfast. Instead of the usual smear of brown sauce, I had a large portion of fried onions and a couple of fried tomatoes in my bacon sandwich.

I normally skip lunch, but as my health was involved, I forced myself to eat an extra large portion of chips and curry, ensuring another vegetable, potatoes was consumed. I also had a couple of Bramley apple pies as part of my fruit intake.

I wasn't hungry at tea time, but I called into my local takeaway and ordered King prawn special fried rice, a portion of mixed vegetables for the last of my five-a-day, and an extra portion of curry sauce to help wash them down. I went to bed content, as I had achieved my target,

The government certainly seemed to have a winner with the five-a-day diet, as next morning I wasn't at all hungry - but as my health was involved, I persevered. For breakfast I topped my sausage sandwich with a large portion of fried mushrooms, and complemented it with a bowl of deep-fried potato fritters in batter. Another day started with two portions in one meal, if you count fungi as a vegetable... and I was even tempted to claim a third after squirting tomato sauce over everything, but that would have been cheating.

I was invited out for lunch and went healthy with a jumbo baked potato topped with kebab meat and chilli sauce. I wasn't sure if a second helping of potato after my breakfast fritters would count for the five-a-day, but I gave myself the benefit of the doubt. For pudding I had the apple crumble and cream, but wished I hadn't when one of my shirt buttons popped off and almost shattered my glass of merlot. I feared my trouser button would be next and with children at the table opposite, I couldn't risk putting one of their eyes out, so made a hasty exit.

I arrived home later that evening with a twelve-inch meat fest pizza with extra cheese, and for my last of the five, a 12-ounce bar of Cadbury's fruit and nut. The pizza was delicious, so was the chocolate and I hit my five-a-day target again, although I didn't seem to be losing any weight.

Days three and four followed a similar pattern, but I must admit it was a struggle. And on day five I had to stop, although I did have a couple of bottles of wine, which I'm sure would count as a hell of a lot of grapes. Perhaps I gave up too soon for it to work, but I physically couldn't eat any more.

I decided to try something else, so watched all the adverts on the telly, but there doesn't seem to be an eating plan for fat blokes. Only Mr A. Donis and Ms Size Zero were catered for, but with nothing to lose but lard, I gave their diet a try.

For breakfast I had what appeared to be a handful of twigs soaked in whitewash and disregarding the taste, smell and texture, it wasn't too bad. Lunch was described as a muesli bar, but a better description would have been strawberry flavoured evo stik delicately infused with leaf litter. Dinner could only have been obtained from the scrap bin at a hardboard factory. It was served with cottage cheese and an essential aid to digestion called Yak ult, which I hope came from its udder.

I couldn't face a second day eating wood, so I'm giving up my diet until after the holidays. I hope Grim has Christmas off.