Man's Christmas Dilemma
Man is an inventive species. Since the day he began to walk upright, he has overcome almost every challenge laid before him. From Caveman to Astronaut, his ability to solve problems has been spectacular.
Ask him to bridge a river and he will think of a way. Ask him to get to the moon and back and he will think of a way. Ask him when the next asteroid will hit this planet and he will work out the trajectory calculations, the date and time of impact and even which actor will play the hero that saves earth in the ensuing film.
But, there is one problem that man has failed to solve since 25.12.0000.
What is the correct gift to buy his wife or girlfriend for Christmas?
If you are one of these men and don't have the remotest idea of what to buy your beloved this Christmas, read on before you make that lonely shopping trip. I can tell you what not to buy, saving you hours of shopping time and with a straightforward test, how much to spend when you do buy something.
The test is quite simple, but bear in mind you may not get the same result as I did.
Think of spending twenty pounds. Do you risk accusations of being a skinflint?
Think fifty pounds? Hmm...the same risk as twenty pounds probably.
Perhaps one hundred pounds would suffice... Sorry, I can't finish this sentence, I have to retrieve my wallet, which has just leapt from my pocket and is trembling in the corner of the room. O.K, it's a mind-generated wallet, but we all have one and it won't be shy to make you aware if you're about to exceed its limits.
When you get your figure, what are you going to buy? You would think that in today's modern shopping centres with thousands of products available that it would be an easy task. Not so.
Buy her a nice new dress perhaps? Every man has at some time followed his wife or girlfriend into every boutique within a twenty-mile radius of home in pursuit of the perfect dress, then back to the first shop to repeat the cycle. She will stare into the mirror swaying indecisively and ask your opinion, which to her is almost worthless, (it's true ladies, be honest) but because you're paying, it's an essential part of the buying game to make you feel you have some input. You will invariably reply, "Yes dear, that's a really nice dress" in the hope she will make a purchase and you can get home in time to watch the football.
And if she is swayed by your opinion, it will only be temporary, because deep down she knows there is no man on earth that can choose her clothes, so keep the receipt; you'll need it for the return trip.
If you're thinking of buying her shoes, just substitute the words "pair of
shoes" for "dress" into the previous paragraph and read it again.
How about some perfume, or beauty products? Does any man have a clue which lotions or potions to buy? Probably not, but you could always take advice from one of the many beauty consultants in the major stores who will pout their lips and flutter their eyes at you. Beware though; if you do buy beauty products you risk having to answer a difficult question on Christmas morning.
"Thank you darling, but do you think I need them?"
There are two possible answers to this question; "At your age you need all the help you can get," or "Of course not dear, you look beautiful just the way you are." It's your choice, but choose your answer wisely if you want your Christmas dinner on a plate and not over your head.
Then there are sexy undies. They come in three sizes - skimpy, medium and large; two of which are a contradiction in terms. If your lady is medium or large and you still feel they are a must buy, be warned; she will think that you think her bum is bigger than it should be. Best buy the skimpies. They won't fit, so you'll never get to see her wearing them, but she'll be flattered and you won't have to spend the holidays in the huffy bed.
So, I have told you what not to buy for your beloved this Christmas, saving you many hours shopping for unsuitable gifts. Now you can go out and buy her what she really wants. A gift that only a loving husband or boyfriend would buy. The same gift that I'm buying my wife this Christmas. I haven't a clue what it is yet though, so I'll see you all in Eldon Square or the Metro Centre at five o'clock on Christmas Eve.
A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.