Death Toll Rises in Orkney

It's parent, Orkney NHS had a budget deficit of half a million pounds last year, and it's looking to save three million pounds this year, and I'm sure it will, because they had the foresight to employ Iain White.

It's a pity MFI or Woolies hadn't employed him, because if they had, they would have probably avoided being up to their necks in deep doo doo, but they didn't, and they are: forced into administration (down the pan to you and me) by the credit crunch. The fickle finger of fate finally found their flush buttons, although allegedly, the smell of Harpic had been strong in both boardrooms for some time.

Still, it's an ill wind and all that, so my wife and I dashed down to North Shields on Friday, hoping to grab a bargain at MFI, but alas, we were too late. Even though the shop was open for business, the atmosphere was kind of Old Mother Hubbardish. The cupboards weren't exactly bare, there just weren't any cupboards left.

On Saturday, attracted by the cleverly deceiving 50 percent off posters, we headed for Woolies in Whitley Bay. We fought our way through a biting wind, a European Market (whatever that is) and a gang of burly smokers outside Wetherspoons, only to discover that the amount of goods marked half price turned out to be bugger all, so that's what we bought.

Ironically, I read the next day that Deloitte, the administrators, said, "the start of the sale was the best day's trading in Woolies' 99 year history, with takings of nearly £25 million."

It's a pity Woolies didn't think to have a few cleverly deceiving 50 percent sales earlier, as they might now be still on the toilet seat, or even outside the bathroom altogether and not whizzing round the "U" bend on their way to Norway. Even with £25 million, they are flush too late. (Sorry, I couldn't resist the toilet humour).

And if only either company had had the foresight to employ Iain White from Kirkwall in Orkney, they would now have bags of cash and be dancing to the terra firma bank instead of surfing with turds over the Dogger Bank.

Iain White is the finance director at Balfour hospital in Kirkwall, on the islands of Orkney - just above Scotland. I'd bet he lost no sleep when his NHS announced a budget deficit of half a million pounds last year and perhaps even managed a "Hmm" and a wry smile when they were also forced to scrap parking charges at all their sites.

With his hospital's bank account glowing a brighter shade of red than the lipgloss of sailors' favourite - Kirkwall Kate, his department concluded that if they can't charge patients £3.00 on arrival, they will charge their relatives tenfold on their departure and introduced a mortuary viewing fee of £30 plus VAT. Iain said the deal offers a "substantial saving on taxpayers' money".

It's all a bit grim, I think, but someone has to pay the freezer bill, so from an entrepreneurial point of view, it's quite brilliant. I don't know the death rate on Orkney, but I'll bet they easily make up the hospital's half a million pound deficit.

And using my humble interpretation of Iain's logic, he would have probably saved Woolies by having a cleverly deceiving "100 percent off" sale every week to lure in the customers, then locking the doors and charging an exit fee.

And saving MFI would have been a doddle by killing off the competition with a surreptitious scattering of chipboard worm larvae, and tiny "free lunch this way" signs across the entrance to Ikea. They would need a sheep-dip type pit and "customer wellies" outside their own store though, to avoid cross contamination.

Alas, watching this morning's news, I fear it's too late to save either of them, Iain, but you can save the three million pounds your hospital needs this year with an entrepreneurial idea as grim as your department's mortuary viewing fee. Generate the cash by fitting taxi style fare meters to the hospital trolleys and wheelchairs used by the terminally ill. The only downside will be a gruesome new meaning to the phrase "Pay as You Go."

Perhaps it could be adopted by Kirkwall hospital as a slogan.