It'll be lonely this Christmas - for a mere £50.00

We took the kids to see Fenwick's window and laughed at the inferior displays in some of the other shops with tatty old cardboard Santas and poor Rudolph's legs held on with gaffer tape. We enjoyed buying the presents and it was all easy going, old fashioned, cosy and nice.

Christmas is not so cosy and easy going nowadays though. In fact it's a headache for most of us and more especially for those who have to do the shopping.

So, how are your Christmas preparations going? Got a list from the kids of "must have" toys you know will be out of stock in every shop you visit, but have to get? Because you just know that down the street at number 29, Felicity's mum will have somehow bought the entire range, and for good measure, every possible accessory. You will be forced to drive hundreds of miles searching and pay 5 times the normal price for a bit of pink plastic containing a couple of microchips (which every toy is nowadays) that will never be picked out of the toy cupboard after Boxing day. And it has to be the exact toy. No substitute will do, unless you want your child to think you are the spawn of Satin on Christmas morning.

And the crowds at Asda and Tesco have doubled, so there's no chance of quick trip during your lunch break to pick up few essentials. That is if you could get them. A fight broke out in my local supermarket last year, and I'm not making this up - over the last bag of Brussels sprouts. In the end, justice was done when the bag split and the combatants managed to scoop up a dozen or so each from the floor.

And you can be sure the plump-breasted Turkey you order won't attract any wolf whistles from passing stag turkeys, even if you bought it a Wonder Bra and stuffed it with "chicken fillets." And instead of eating it, if you donated your leg of pork to the local pet shop along with the services of a good veterinary micro surgeon, it would be a very happy Christmas for stumpy the Guinea pig.

And worse, your Mother-in-law who knows a better way than you of doing everything, and your Sister- in- law with her five screaming kids will invite themselves to your house for dinner.

The problem with Christmas is that modern society has changed its focus from celebrating the birth of the messiah, to an event that for most of us is about money - making or spending it. And to get our cash, Farmers, (God bless 'em) factories and supermarkets have the impossible task of trying to make everything available for one day each year.

But we could avoid the shortages, disappointments and punch ups if we modernise it. A quick Google suggests scholars believe Jesus' real birthday was likely to be in April or August/September and was unlikely to be the 25th December, so why not cover all the options and have Christmas three times a year?

We could have the first on the 25th of April, the second on the 25th of August and the last on the normal date of the 25th December.

Before you fall off your chair laughing, hear me out. It would make perfect sense and relieve the pressure on everyone. Farmers, (God bless 'em) would have more time to grow sprouts and the surplus could be fed to the turkeys and the pigs to ensure their embonpoint. Tesco and Asda wouldn't be crowded, because at any given time, only one third of the public would be Christmas shopping. And Pink Plastic 'r' Us would have stocks of everything all year round.

It would be easy to set up. Council Officers could allocate every third house in every street in the country a different Christmas date and employers would be forced to comply in the allocation of holidays.

It could even become a legitimate revenue generating service for the government by allowing you (for a small charge) to choose with whom you would not like to spend your Christmas. You could fill in a form a bit like the current census offering to indicate which date you would prefer your Christmas, with a scale of charges levied: for example £20.00 for a different date from your sister-in-law and her screaming brood. £30.00 for a different date to the mother-in-law, and for a mere £50.00, you could ensure the whole family is at work during your Christmas and you can relax for a week on your own

My cheque is in the post.