I'm a nonentity - can I get out of here please?
Given that I've no dating possibilities on the horizon, I'm sat watching the tellybox night after night and as a result have found myself developing an unhealthy addiction to "I'm A Celebrity... etc", not because I enjoy watching folk eating animal genitalia (something that is presumably a boon to any fetishist whose internet connection has failed) but because of the relationship dynamics.
The other night two WAGs were chatting away to each other about their wonderful relationships, which caused Esther Rantzen to break down in tears about missing her deceased husband Desmond. It was so very sad to witness but in a selfish way made me think of my own single status.
I'm not going to blather on, however, about the downsides of being on one's own, but instead concentrate on the upsides. No-one to ever say sniffily: "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" or look up from their newspaper as you're heading out the door for a night out with the girls and mutter tetchily: "You're wearing THAT?" No need to hide a ridiculously expensive impulse purchase in the wardrobe. No-one to question the phone bill. My delightful ex-husband once went through our itemised bill line by line and rang a number he didn't recognise to find out who I'd been speaking to for over an hour. Not because he thought I was talking to anyone I shouldn't be (I wasn't) but because he expected me to produce what he felt was an acceptable reason for the time I had spent on the telephone. Mind you, given that he is now immensly wealthy and I, most emphatically, am not, perhaps there was method in his nit-picking financially prudent madness.
Meanwhile, the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce is about go through, with Mr Ritchie reportedly not taking a penny of his soon to be ex-wife's money. This sounds terribly noble until you read that he is in possession of a ÃÂ£30 million pound fortune himself. Hardly the breadline, folks.
Anyway, b*llocks to them and back to me. If you haven't got any spare cash, how are you supposed to go out dressed in your best in order to meet someone who with luck will turn out to the man you spend the rest of your life with? My best mate is always telling me that if someone asks me out for dinner I should go whether, on the basis that it's a free meal and more importantly I might enjoy myself. She's a switched on girl and thinking that this was sound advice, I did this once: never again. Don't do it girls. At the end of dinner, after three bottles of outrageously expensive wine and some utterly delicious food (he was paying, so why not), the bill came and he did that patting of all his pockets schtick and then announced he'd left his wallet at home. Yes, it was genuine and yes, he did give me the money the following day but in the meantime my paying the bill put me right up to my overdraft limit and as a result two direct debits bounced. I hadn't the nerve to say to him, "that'll be an extra thirty quid please," so needless to say, I didn't go out with him again.
Perhaps when one is embarking on a date both parties should draw up a document similar to Pre-Nup. You know, with clauses such as a cheque book/credit card/cash must be produced at the beginning of the evening to prove ability to pay; there will be no lunging for a goodnight kiss unless the other party has indicated this is acceptable; a visit to Pizza Hut does not count as "dinner". And so on and so forth.
Although this attitude might count as a reason for my singledom of course.