DIY: Dropped it -Yippee!

By Ray Lewis on Nov 6, 08 09:00 AM

The wise and sensible among us spend Sunday mornings in bed reading the papers and Sunday afternoons following the tyre tracks of Eddy Eats and She Who Must Be Fed. The foolhardy, which includes me, spend Sundays under cars, up ladders, or visiting D.I.Y. stores.

"You can't have too many tools." I keep telling my wife when I make my latest purchase. The sad thing is, most of them are still in their boxes and will probably never get used and the ones I have used lately never seem to work correctly, or do the job as claimed in the manufacturers blurb. This has led to much swearing and mopping up blood.

I've now seen the light. D.I.Y. is a frustrating, expensive and dangerous activity. I have proof and have listed the evidence by way of terms and definitions I have experienced first hand.

Toolbox: A heavy item containing every tool except the one you want.

Tape measure: A measuring instrument used in conjunction with a pencil to incorrectly mark bits of metal and wood.

Pencil: A scribing instrument with the power of random invisibility.

Electric Drill: A tool used in conjunction with a tape measure and pencil to drill a hole in exactly the wrong place.

Hammer: Used after drilling holes for the merciless destruction of tape measures whilst mouthing a rant of obscenities.

Mash Hammer: Used primarily to obtain unusually large blood samples from fingers and thumbs.

Belt Sander: Used for the rapid removal of wanted limb hair, skin etc.

Hand Saw: A tool for converting expensive panels and mouldings into firewood. See also, Mitre Saw and Jigsaw.

Mitre Saw: A tool for cutting very precise 44-degree angles.

Jigsaw: A device for making wobbly cuts in expensive panels.

Straight Edge: A piece of wood or metal used in conjunction with a Jigsaw for even better wobbly cuts.

Molegrips: A tool specifically designed to slip from a rusty nut and remove two inches of bark from the back of your hand.

Mig Welder: Used for lighting fires in cars.

I'll be there in a minute dinner: The cold dried-up dinner you have to eat, as you have no concept of time when surrounded by power tools.

Scughwochsplurt: The discovery of a worm of sealant in your tea.

Waspiety: A feeling of unease that prevents you from concentrating on the job because you saw a wasp in the room, but don't know where it is now.

Sawgasm: A moment of intense pleasure experienced by your partner when you leave the B&Q tool department without buying anything.

Firkedmate: The remains of your workbench when you wrongly thought the panel you were cutting overhung the edge.

I rest my case.