101 uses for a comatose Lembit Opik

The idea was to pit celebrities against each other to raise money for charity.

They were split into two teams by gender and told to open shops with Sir Alan Sugar doing the Big Bad Boss bit.

The girls team rose to the challenge with Ann Summers' Jacqueline Gold providing much of the buzz.

But the lads? They certainly put the bored into board room with a lacklustre and shambolic performance.

Much of the responsibility for that lay with Lembit, now a Lib Dem MP, who could bore for England.

You would have thought someone who pulled one of the Cheeky Girls would have a bit of personality but, judging his performance in this, Lembit seems to have had a charisma by-pass.

His team of would-be entrepreneurs didn't duck and dive, much to Sir Alan's chagrin, but dithered and prevaricated.

There was even a leadership crisis before the blokes reluctantly settled on Lembit to their boss.

Five blokes and they can't pick a leader. What is this? A Lib Dem meeting?

And what did he bring to the table? Er, nothing really.

What was needed was the business nounce to make decisions. What he did was fudge.

The guys, under his leadership, couldn't even agree about the sign over their shop and were out-negotiated by the girls at every turn.

He even ran out of meetings to check what the other members of his team wanted to do.

Someone should have told him you can't run a business by consensus politics.

The only sign of animation came when he tried to flog a toy to a little boy. He bent down and rather oddly told the youngster to "buy, buy, buy."

It was more a case of bye bye as his team lost to the girls.

Use No 1 for a comatose Lembit Opik. Put him in a corner, place his arms at right angles to his body, and use as a coat stand.

Use No 2. Roll him up, place against the door, and you have a perfect draught excluder.

+ Do you have any better ideas? Send your suggestions.